i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
