My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
