Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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