Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
