I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
