My entire life is one complicated drinking game
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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