I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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