u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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