Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
