I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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