This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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