I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
