Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize