Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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