Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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