I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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