I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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