I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Girls should come with a carfax report
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
