Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
