I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
