plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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