So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
