Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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