last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
