I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
