The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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