I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
