nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
