I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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