What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
