Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
