DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
