Kareoke will never be a sober sport
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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