I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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