It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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