I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
