I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
