he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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