I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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