Define "chronic" masturbator.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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