Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
