he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize