Jerry, you need to find god
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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