he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
