my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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