pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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