you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
