i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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