She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
