I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
