Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wish you could order shots online.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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