i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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