I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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