sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
