I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Fuck appropriateness.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
