if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
