Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
