The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
