I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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