I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
